Wednesday, November 30, 2005

School's Out for Winter

I finished my last packet of the semester for B'ton yesterday and feeling very much like I'm on vacation, despite having a few last things to finish up - namely not having any idea what story I'll send in for workshop. Regardless, I'm now reading Anansi Boys by Neil Gaimon, which has nothing to do with school or work. And last night I made a to-do list for the wedding, which, I'll admit, had me a little freaked out. We have so much to do and will try to cram it into the end of December when j. gets out on break, too. The ideal time to deal with it would of course be early January, but I'll be at B'ton. As soon as I get back j. starts his semester again, so maybe I really will be doing it all on my own like I swore I wouldn't. It's a shame I'm not a better decision-maker then.

j.'s parents are in town tonight. they're taking us to Artisanal for fondue at 8 and j. doesn't get out of class until 7:30. He was worried about being late and I wasn't sure why he was stressing it so much. "You get there when you get there," I said. "It's not a big deal." He seemed to relax a little and I could see something dawning on him, his eyes sort of glazed over and a smile appeared. He put a hand on my shoulder. "I don't have to worry about you anymore, do I? You're fine on your own." Yes, j., I am fine hanging out with your parents on my own. I even went to a bizarre Christmas shop over Thanksgiving with just the women - j's mom, three cousins, and two aunts. And I drove. I feel 99% official.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Love ME



I recently uploaded this photo as my desktop image. It makes me so happy every time I minimize all my windows and see it there. Maine. Summer. I imagine it looks so lovely, too lovely, that my coworkers walking by think it's one of those generic images automatically installed on your computer for people too lazy to truly personalize their desktops. But no, this is where we're getting married. Someplace this beautiful. Can you believe it?

j. has warned me that his family will make a big deal out of the engagement over Thanksgiving. Too bad I didn't have time to get a manicure. j.'s brother got in from San Francisco last night and kept us up until 3am. He made a lovely toast over dinner welcoming me to the family. I'd had enough to drink and not enough to eat and C. is charming enough that I literally got a little teared up. Three more days of that to look forward to = three days of confidence boosting. Everybody loves me! Everybody wants me to be a part of their family! I will try not to let it go to my head.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Just One Day?

Ah, now I've opened a real can of worms. Based on Karen and Bree's responses to the last posting, I feel we really need to dig a little deeper into the philosophy behind the big day. All along I've been struggling with spending so much money on an event that only lasts for one day. The whole it's just one day philosophy. The follow-up to this is that every day after the wedding day is actually more important than the one that came before because each day you love each other a little more. Isn't your life together more memorable as a whole than the day you officially embark on it? Wouldn't it be a little sad if the best day of your relationship grew increasingly more distant in your past the longer you were together, rather than a better day to come the next day and the next? (Maybe you can see toward which philosophy I'm already leaning.)

The flip side to this argument is that the wedding represents something big and so wonderful - a combined life, a symbol of love and a shared everything - that it needs to properly express that. In which case nothing can be too big or elaborate. To which I say, can't that be expressed in the words we choose to say to each other and the people we ask to be present to witness our union - both things that go beyond things of monetary value, like a dress and a suit? But this argument doesn't hold either because if I said I'd be happy getting married in a paper sack as long as j. and I expressed ourselves to the best of our ability in front of family and friends, I'd be lying. It's not how I'd want to explain the day to our kids someday. Unless it had a good story behind it.

So there must be some happy medium? It's just one day, but a really really big day. The biggest day so far. What's even more promising about this big day is that there's so much to look forward to afterwards. Let's look at past big days so you can see what I mean:

1. High School Graduation: Starting drinking at noon and by dawn the next day was making out with my friend's recent ex-boyfriend. A bad sign of things to come. In the following months, I gained 10-20 pounds, drank excessively, and felt increasingly alienated from my friends, who had all gone straight to college while I took a semester off and had not yet discovered email. Later owed my parents hundreds of dollars in phone bills - all those phone calls and still I was lonely and depressed most of the time.

2. College Graduation: Pretty anti-climactic since I'd finished classes a few months before. In the following months I worked at the Gap and lived at home. In the following years I had no idea what to do with myself or what I even wanted to do with myself. Typical quarter-life crisis filled with misery and self-doubt. Until I met j.

I'm sure there are some other big days in there, but honestly can't think of anything good? Besides marriage seems like some sort of graduation in itself. Like adulthood - a similar feeling to the first time I paid my own car insurance bill, only magnified.

Write About Waiting

My friend Karen is so clever. Write about waiting, she says. So here goes.

Last night j. and I were trying to come up with Christmas lists, both what we were getting other people and what we wanted to ask for. I honestly couldn't think of anything for myself, which is insane, because usually I'm a greedy little b*tch and have a list a mile long of obscenely expensive items. So we perused through the J.Crew catalog and the Christmas present discussion soon turned into what suit j. should get for the wedding. We tore out a nice one from J.Crew and added it to the bulletin board next to the Gucci suit we'll never be able to afford.

"How would you feel if I had a little scruff at the wedding?" j. asked, rubbing his chin and studying the guy in the catalog.
"I don't care, baby," I said. "You can do whatever you want." Honestly, I think he looks handsome either way.
"Oh, you'll be singing a different tune soon."
"What do you mean?"
"Six months before the wedding, you're going to become a different person. Everything's going to have to be a certain way. Your way." Or something to that effect.
"No," I said. "You're wrong. I'm going to make you eat your words."

So here's the promise, committed to the internet. If I demand a clean-shaven groom in a few months time, well, I guess, I'll be the one eating my words. Am I kidding myself thinking I really won't be like everybody else? But seriously, what do I care if he shaves or not? For the pictures? Are we getting married so we can have the pictures, or are we having pictures so we can remember the wedding?

I remind myself all the time: it's just one day. It's like my motto for our wedding, which seems rather sad. But I wish everyone else would remember it too: it's just one day.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Few and Far between

Here's the problem with having both a blog and a long engagement. Sometimes there are stretches when nothing happens, and so I have nothing to write about. We got a 2006 calendar in the mail (thanks to my alma mater, Middlebury College) and marked it up with deadlines, what to do when. Save-the-dates, invitations, etc. Still too early for all of that, which is the point actually. We wanted this process to be as relaxing as possible. So far so good. And nothing left to do really in 2005. When we're in Maine at Christmas we're going to try and meet with the florist, but she's pretty much a done deal. My brother has a photographer for us. Now: we wait.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

I'll Always Be Grateful for Your Return

I'm going to Iowa this weekend. Why Iowa, you ask? (Everyone asks.) Why the hell not? I've never been there, for one. But mostly I'm going to visit a friend. This is the part when everyone says, wow, you're a really good friend. Not really. I want to get out of New York for a couple of days. I want to go somewhere I've never been and relax. It has to be cheap. I want to visit one friend, instead of running around town all weekend trying to cram in ten different visits. Ta da. Iowa. To which I might add, have you ever even been there?

Yesterday was j.'s two year anniversary being back in the States. I took him out for a big Mexican meal to show him my gratitude. He could still be in Africa right now and where would I be? Certainly not writing this blog. Two years ago yesterday, I took the A train out to JFK at the crack of dawn and waited behind those customs gates for j. to come through the door. I had the most inane thoughts, but very typical of me. Like, where should I be standing when he comes out? Should I be leaning against the railing to show my eagerness or sitting back in that chair to make him look for me through the crowd? Should I stand at the end of the railing or the beginning? Do I kiss him or just hug him?

I don't remember what I ended up doing. I just remember that we went back to his parents apartment from the airport and I met his parents for the first time. They had friends staying with them and we all went out for brunch and three cups of coffee later I was still not feeling awake or with it and god knows what I was saying to his parents (but they like me now regardless and that's all that matters) and my stomach hurt a lot. And then j. and I walked to Banana Republic so he could buy a winter coat. And I think we took a stroll through Central Park on our way back to his parent's place. It was overcast, gray, with a chill wind and I was cold as we walked, but so happy. I hadn't seen him in five months but it felt so normal and so right to be with him again.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Dress Shopping IV: Done.

I bought the dress from Adrienne’s. B. came and took a picture of me in it, but I don’t want to post it so it will still be a surprise for anyone reading the blog and coming to the wedding, particularly j.

Now, nothing to do until June or July, except find shoes. I'd go ballet slippers the whole time, but j. wants me to wear heels at least for the ceremony so I won't be so short. So now I need to find both. Not sure if I was supposed to ask for some sort of swatch so I could match the dress to the shoes?

Best part about the dress: no special underwear.

Dress Shopping III: Nicole M.




So these are two of the four dresses from Nicole Miller that I tried on yesterday and loved. The other two are better, but not on the web site yet. The first one here was a shock to find that it even looked semi-decent on me. I think I've kept it in the running just for this reason, but it doesn't really feel like a wedding dress to me, not special enough, I guess. The second one has peach beading and a scalloped lace edge at the bottom, which was gorgeous, but again, not really my style. Of the other two not shown, one had an enormous princess skirt that sort of turned me off, but the sweetheart neckline worked on me and there was a long sash that was pretty awesome either wrapped around a bunch of times or worn long hanging down the back. And the organza was so light and fluffy, it was quite comfortable to wear. The sales people loved this on me and were very encouraging about it. But it was also the most expensive, so maybe that explains it. The fourth one is hard to explain, but it was more modern with a scrunched front and bows and an open back in the back.

I'm heading back to Adrienne's to compare the dress there with the Nicole dresses while they're still fresh in mind. I think I might end up just buying it. It's more right than the Nicole dresses.

I just want to go back to Nicole for the dressing room. The new store in Soho has a huge back room for the wedding dresses, private but big with a gorgeous mirror and screen to change behind. The sales woman let me put the dresses on myself and would just zipper me up afterwards. It seemed so much more humane.

And while we're on the subject, here's Sally in her wedding dress, which she designed herself. I love it on her.